Self-Transformation & Rebirth

Here’s where I share my most important, life-changing stories. This is how I had a ‘spiritual awakening’.  I’ve learned that it is critically important to be completely honest and truthful when speaking about your inner stories because this world is full of deception and it’s far too easy to fall onto the “wrong path” or get confused.  Another reason is because this whole subject matter is about Truth. I’ve also found that  you need to open up in a “safe environment.” I guess that means a place where you are unconditionally accepted for who you truly are inside.  I also believe the “Clear” vision of the Wise mentor also has an influence in blocking the ego’s perpetual habit of “pulling the wool over one’s eyes!” So there’s a kind of leverage that one can borrow with the right, authentic connection and even a bit of “soul magic” can come out too!  I promise you there are deep and beautiful mysteries inside.

So what follows here is a brief and honest account of what happened to me growing up and how it caused me to evolve in a positive way eventually.  And you know, talking is so important with these things, especially with someone you trust and who possesses inner wisdom/awareness.  The inner-knowledge keeps building upon itself you’ll see.  I didn’t even talk about these things (my personal story, tragedies, etc) for about 5 years.  And then full expression occurred 10 years after that.  Counselors can be great if you feel a good connection with them.  If you feel it’s not working try somebody else.  Your inner Self will tell you when it’s truly there.  It doesn’t work unless you find that genuine connection.  You can usually feel the right chemistry of the connection.  Interesting feelings will come out, laughter, tears, giddiness, energy, euphoria, the feeling of flying, powerful dreams, etc.  So please try hard for this and don’t give up until you do make it work.  It’s definitely worth fighting for.  Trust me!

started life years ago as a very fortunate, lucky and talented guy.  In my youth I was really fast and good at sports and I lived a very rich life in most ways, at least in our conventional mindset.  This is important to say because it reveals my point of view and life before my “big change” as a person.  I was also fairly “over-confident” and probably full of hubris, as so many story book characters are before a great fall.

As I matured into teenage life, I was having so much fun at school and parties that my life was a bit of a “roller-coaster-ride”. And then all of sudden, something very tragic happened.  And that something was my heart shattering into a million pieces due to some very unfortunate things and unusual circumstances, which I simply can’t go into here.  The point of this story is to discuss the transformation which took place, which might help some people out of the darkness or onto a good path.

Death of your former Self

People often refer to these painful episodes in our lives as “breakdowns”, but I can honestly say it was a complete death of who I was at the time.  But that death in many other ways was a birth of a much deeper new Self.  I often ponder and refer to this change as being very similar to Oscar Wilde’s “The Happy Prince.” I strongly encourage you to think of that story in this way.

When these experiences happen to us it’s like the big clock on the wall and time just stops.

A lot of people have difficulty “moving forward” after such experiences, but in high school, everything keeps going forward fast, whether the teachers understand you or not.  The tough thing is and was the fact that nobody could fathom what had happened to me and I had to pretend it didn’t happen and just try to finish my damn school, which wasn’t easy with wounds so deep and fresh.  To make matters worse, I had teachers who really really didn’t understand and tried to make my life miserable in my senior year.

My age was 16 when my “Ego-death” occurred and what followed it was darkness.  The good thing about that was I didn’t really want to “ride on that crazy roller-coaster” any longer, which might have killed me and has been responsible for many untimely deaths.  You must understand when you’re whole world has turned to darkness, there’s only one thing you ever long for and that is light and the only things that transmit light are spiritual in nature.  So it’s quite easy to learn about spirituality from that perspective.  So many people ask and it’s really comical.  What is spirituality?  How do I know it? How do I feel it?  The answer is simple, after your “ego” dies in life, you will see it easily.  But I don’t believe this is the only way in which this big, beautiful cycle works.  I think anybody who’s really in touch with their selves, their passions, nature and or has truly wise parents or mentors can easily find the “soul path.”  Perhaps it is when people’s ego and personalities are so out of control that these kind of abrupt crashes appear to be necessary.  I’ve lost a brother and sister in my life already.  So I think it was important for me to find the right path.

As I fumbled through the darkness I was certainly glad I had music.  It really spoke to me.  I was sitting there with my guitar in high school like a ghost singing 5440’s “I Go Blind” or John Lennon’s “You’ve got to hide your love away.”  The spirituality I felt in music was undeniable.  That was real and that was true.  From that point onward, John Lennon became my new Soul Father, as in life, during these times you began to realize just how many facades there are around you.  Facades in teachers, in parents, on TV and in our governments.

I actually remember grappling with the basic philosophical problems in those days and falling through the cracks, just trying to grasp any kind of truth, but the rational mind just seemed so limited to me.  I guess I was blinded in some ways. Though I did make some interesting discoveries like the beauty of Truth.  Maybe I mean poetic truth.  What I’m talking about is the kind of truth that you discover that sparkles like a diamond, and from every which angle you look at it, it comes out as the same truth and same meaning. Yes that was a good discovery.  I think Art often appears that way.  Good art is like staring into a mystical fire.

Anyways at school, not only did my teachers misunderstand me, but my friends were also “not thrilled” about how I changed.  They weren’t the least bit understanding and so I really had to choose some different people to be with.  I found some solace in my music department and drama class to some extent.

It’s really funny.  Since those early painful experiences, I often classified people in this world into two main groups: “The Fun Loving Natural Ones,” who never had this brutal kind of breakdown, ‘wake-up’ experience and are still in some way shape and form still riding their own carnival roller coaster and blindly holding onto their initial point of view, biases and self justifications.  This is a very interesting state of mind because those people are often acting out so unconsciously exactly who they are. I too remember acting completely spontaneously and without thought.  Of course the other group is those who have had some kind of deep, life altering experience such as a personal tragedy.  Living in an imposed “rich society bubble” vs living in a 3rd world country with no shelter at all, perhaps might also be a significant factor to self-awareness.

My true break in life and new beginning occurred after high school when I entered our local college.  It was Kamloops, BC, and I was attending The University College of the Caribou (TRU)1989.  Honestly, from the very first day I set foot on campus, I was in love with the atmosphere.  People were all mature and there to learn.  So was I and the quality of the professors was something I never experienced in my life prior to this point.  I found some good mentors among my teachers and good connections among some great friends too.  The degree in which many of the scholars had grown was simply amazing.  The simple experience of walking with an Instructor with a coffee across campus to a big majestic building on the other side alone was an excellent inspiration for any young and true person following in  the “philosophers’ footsteps.”

Though my new set of teachers were truly amazing for my life, the most significant and marvellous thing occurred when I went to see an “Academic Adviser”. I needed talk about dropping a class I didn’t like.  How ironic that she also turned out to have a Master’s Degree in counselling psychology.  We only spoke for a few minutes about the actual purpose of the meeting when all of sudden she said, “You seem a little anxious.  Is there anything you want to talk about?”

I can hardly express what occurred next because it borders on the pure mystic and even the person experiencing these things can doubt it his or herself.  But from the moment she inquired into my uncomfortable feeling,  an instant connection was felt with her that was so strong and so deep that I was amazed.  I could somehow sense that she herself was a ‘master’ of this entire field of inner inquiry which I had dove into several years before.  I began to speak but a few words from my personal life when suddenly a rain torrent of tears came pouring out of nowhere and simultaneously it appeared as though some inner vault or chamber had suddenly opened while an immensely powerful light came bursting through.  When the flood was finally over, I felt like a baby eagle hatched from an egg with sunlight from the window drying my sticky wings.  When I looked around then, I felt as though I could see for miles and my vision had cleared and all impediments were suddenly gone.  Even this counselor named, Catherine, could hardly believe what transpired. Moments before when sitting with her, there was nothing but an empty desert of sand between us,  but with that connection it was like the discovery of a Pharaoh’s Tomb below the surface!

Later I was doing a research paper on the Unconscious and on the first chapter, page 1 of Carl Jung’s “Man and his symbols”, there was the entrance to King Ramses’ tomb.  The chapter title was “Approaching the Unconscious. “

I should also state that for some time after this powerful experience, whenever I talked about things of this nature, I had begun to feel a vibration in my solar plexus area, an undeniably good energy sensation that is still there to this day.  It seems to serve as my guide.  I believe it to be “chi energy”.

I hope you found this enlightening.  Good luck on your journey.  To be continued.